Finals Weak

My thoughts on this topic were much more dark, looming, and introspective an hour ago. After eating dinner, I’ve calmed down considerably.

Today I realized that tomorrow will be the last time I ever take a final on Ball State’s campus, as I will be student teaching next semester. It didn’t make me cry. It didn’t make me sad. I felt nothing. Okay, the last one was a lie.

I think it might sink in more tomorrow after I finish my last 3 finals. (Can I call them “finales” since they are my last finals?) I have 3 tomorrow @9:45/12:00/2:15. Pray for ya boi. I also learned today that if you have more than 2 on one day you can get them switched – yes, I learned that as a senior during my final semester on campus…

*back to my dark, looming, introspective thoughts before spaghetti*

I am nervous for tomorrow because I want to get A’s. Who doesn’t. The grade I receive is mostly in my hands, but also in the hands of the subjective professor grading my tests and projects. However, I HAVE to realize that both myself and my professors are in GOD’S hands, so I should STOP WORRYING.

As I reflected on my 9 hour day spent at Bracken Library, finishing a 31 page project and studying for 2 tests and a presentation, (I didn’t study for a presentation, necessarily. More like “prepared” for it.) I realized that more than likely I won’t remember that project or the upcoming tests in a few years. (That is, if I do well… if I totally suck and my GPA takes a hit then I’ll probably remember and dwell on them for most of life, but that argument kinda takes away from everything this post is trying to accomplish so I’m going to stop now.)

But there are things from today that matter more than projects and tests. More than my GPA. More than a few Latin words that describe your standing at graduation. More than GETTING AN A IN ALL OF YOUR CLASSES. (I say it like that to yell at myself, in hopes that I’ll start accepting it. It’s tough) So I’m listing them below, for myself – but also for you, in case you’re struggling with performance anxiety or whatever else…

Things from today I should value more than my GPA:

• The girlfriend who drove you to class because your mother had your car while hers was at the mechanic.
• The lady at the Atrium who’s been giving you $.80 refills on coffee all semester so you don’t have to pay full price.
• The girl who brings you a grilled cheese because you’re all out of dining money (the $.80 refills helped, but a dude’s gotta eat)
• The two guys in the library who debated for EASILY 30 minutes about if they would rather fight a Giant Wombat or a Sabertooth Tiger. (They both had decent arguments. But I think I’m dead either way)
• The girl who offered to bring you lunch on her busy day, and would have if it wasn’t for the grilled cheese girl.
• The professor who took the time to write you a letter just to tell you that YOU ARE A WRITER, and you can’t let that dream die.
• The other professors you’ve grown in relationship with, learned from, and gotten to know in 4 years. (Especially the ones whose hands still hold your potential grade. Jk. Kinda)
• The family you will soon be around during the holiday season.
• The dinner your mother made, and the fact your parents didn’t drill you with those “parent questions” we all know and love. (Hate)
• The warm house you’re in. (it’s freezing outside. Like bad.)
• The fact that you can sleep knowing that it IS all in God’s hands.

So, did I cry? No. Am I sad to be almost done? Wait, you mean I won’t have to go to campus 3 hours before my class begins to find a parking spot, I can eat Chick-fil-A at noon and not have to wade through 300 people, I can start using bathrooms with substantial toilet paper, I won’t get 30 emails a day about L&D sessions and the David O Art Museum,  I won’t have to be bombarded with people’s social justice extravaganzas at the scramble light as I simply try to walk by with my head down to avoid conversations. No, I don’t want to throw a pie at someone for $1. No, I don’t want a popsicle, hot chocolate, or popcorn. And no, I do not want to have a conversation about “Trumps recent election” at 8:00am in 20 degree weather STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. So no, overall I’m not sad.

I’m am excited to do whatever it is I’m going to do after graduation, but that’s another blog. Right now, I’m going to go back to studying as I have been all day. Only this time, when I feel stress, worry, or anxiety creep in… I am going to reflect more on the bulleted list above, and less on the bulleted list of gifted and talented curriculum models, delivery systems, and appropriate differentiation procedures.

Things I “Love”…

‘Sup. 

As I was reflecting on my first post I couldn’t help but notice a startling statistic: I used the word “hate” 9 times. I’ll admit, that’s excessive. I also feel great remorse, and the need to right my wrong. 

I have compiled a list of things that I “love”, to compensate for my previous hatred. You’ll notice that I have the word “love” surrounded by floating equal signs, rotated 90 degrees clockwise. (Some quotation marks are curved, but mine, for whatever reason, are straight – and thus resemble equal signs) 

I put “love” in this context because this isn’t an agape love. I wouldn’t sacrifice my life for the things on this list. This list describes things for which I have a very conditional, selfish love. Our culture throws out the word “love” too much, and I hate that. (I’m digressing into exactly what I was trying to avoid) 

Here’s your caveat: these things aren’t necessarily my favorite. I don’t look forward to them everyday. Maybe this list would be better titled, “Things I value higher than other people, that I consider underrated, and that you probably think are weird”, but then you wouldn’t have clicked on it. But you’re here now, so thanks. 

Things I “love” –

Getting into a hot car

Waking up super thirsty in the night

When two car doors shut simultaneously 

When people lipsync songs in public 

Wet spaghetti

“Unwritten” by Natasha Bettingfield

Pajama shorts

Biscuits

Gift shops

When kids sing on songs

When janitors know what key to use on the huge keychain they have

Marsh brand iced sugar cookies

Tackle boxes

Male accapella groups 

Eavesdropping on intelligent conversations

The smell after vacuuming carpet

New jars of peanut butter

Racquet balls

Sunflower seeds (in shell)

Tracking packages

The smell of rice bags

When older people call me “buddy”

Sitting on carpet floors

Beef jerky

Chewing gum for 5+ hours 

Chips and salsa 

Slightly burnt pepperoni 

Rye chips in chex mix 

Ice in orange juice 

Sara Bareilles 

People giving blank stares 

Surveys 

Squishy caulk in between cracks

Women over 40 in pastel colored pants 

Puttputt courses

Diagonally mowed lawns 

Neighborhoods with gradually sloping smooth curved curbs 

The first three minutes of Dubble Bubble

When people yawn and talk 

White rice 

Men’s dress shirts with a different colored collar 

Rearranging furniture 

When the last clue on Jeopardy is the daily double, and the previous questioned wasn’t answered correctly, so someone just gets it handed to them

Rinsing off a hot skillet 

When you have the perfect portion of Ketchup

Grilled cheese

Sweet tea

Secret compartments 

Crane games

When people hold coffee mugs with two hands 

Aquariums
Next – maybe a hate list? We’ll see. 

My First Blog Post

Welcome to my blog,

First and foremost, I need to let you know that I hate the word “blog”. I don’t know what it means or stands for, but it sounds like something out of a science fiction book – which I also hate.

I say I hate a lot of things, but I don’t really hate them. I haven’t lost sleep over science fiction books, or cried over the word “blog”. When you truly hate something, you lose sleep and cry over it – but I’ve never really hated anything, so what do I know?

I hate that the automatically generated image for this blog was raspberries in a tea cup, on a saucer. As if someone is going to drink whole raspberries? I could have changed it, but then we couldn’t have hated it together. Now we have something in common. You’re welcome. (I really hope the picture shows up or this is going to be irrelevant.)

Hopefully this blog gets you through the days ahead, or gives you small talk topics like, “So how do you feel about raspberries in tea cups?”. If it’s accomplishing neither after 5 posts, feel free to stop reading it. But only stop if it’s causing you to lose sleep and making you cry.

Since this is my first post, I figured it would be fitting to make a list of “firsts” in my life, so you can get to know me better.

First Breath – January 17th, 1995

First Move – Sometime in 1999

First Trip to the Principal’s Office – April 2006 (I was innocent)

First Rollercoaster: Firehawks @ Kings Island

First Seahawks Game: October 4, 2009 (Seattle lost)

First Kiss – February 14, 2010

First Breakup – February 15, 2010 (Probably a coincidence, right?)

First Time Pooping My Pants After The Age of 3 – March 18, 2011

First Time I Wore A Bow Tie – lol I’ll never wear a bow tie

First Time I Had the Urge To Start a Blog – November 30, 2016

First Time I Posted A Blog – December 1, 2016 (Much better following day response than the first kiss…)