Finals Weak

My thoughts on this topic were much more dark, looming, and introspective an hour ago. After eating dinner, I’ve calmed down considerably.

Today I realized that tomorrow will be the last time I ever take a final on Ball State’s campus, as I will be student teaching next semester. It didn’t make me cry. It didn’t make me sad. I felt nothing. Okay, the last one was a lie.

I think it might sink in more tomorrow after I finish my last 3 finals. (Can I call them “finales” since they are my last finals?) I have 3 tomorrow @9:45/12:00/2:15. Pray for ya boi. I also learned today that if you have more than 2 on one day you can get them switched – yes, I learned that as a senior during my final semester on campus…

*back to my dark, looming, introspective thoughts before spaghetti*

I am nervous for tomorrow because I want to get A’s. Who doesn’t. The grade I receive is mostly in my hands, but also in the hands of the subjective professor grading my tests and projects. However, I HAVE to realize that both myself and my professors are in GOD’S hands, so I should STOP WORRYING.

As I reflected on my 9 hour day spent at Bracken Library, finishing a 31 page project and studying for 2 tests and a presentation, (I didn’t study for a presentation, necessarily. More like “prepared” for it.) I realized that more than likely I won’t remember that project or the upcoming tests in a few years. (That is, if I do well… if I totally suck and my GPA takes a hit then I’ll probably remember and dwell on them for most of life, but that argument kinda takes away from everything this post is trying to accomplish so I’m going to stop now.)

But there are things from today that matter more than projects and tests. More than my GPA. More than a few Latin words that describe your standing at graduation. More than GETTING AN A IN ALL OF YOUR CLASSES. (I say it like that to yell at myself, in hopes that I’ll start accepting it. It’s tough) So I’m listing them below, for myself – but also for you, in case you’re struggling with performance anxiety or whatever else…

Things from today I should value more than my GPA:

  • The girlfriend who drove you to class because your mother had your car while hers was at the mechanic.
  • The lady at the Atrium who’s been giving you $.80 refills on coffee all semester so you don’t have to pay full price.
  • The girl who brings you a grilled cheese because you’re all out of dining money (the $.80 refills helped, but a dude’s gotta eat)
  • The two guys in the library who debated for EASILY 30 minutes about if they would rather fight a Giant Wombat or a Sabertooth Tiger. (They both had decent arguments. But I think I’m dead either way)
  • The girl who offered to bring you lunch on her busy day, and would have if it wasn’t for the grilled cheese girl.
  • The professor who took the time to write you a letter just to tell you that YOU ARE A WRITER, and you can’t let that dream die.
  • The other professors you’ve grown in relationship with, learned from, and gotten to know in 4 years. (Especially the ones whose hands still hold your potential grade. Jk. Kinda)
  • The family you will soon be around during the holiday season.
  • The dinner your mother made, and the fact your parents didn’t drill you with those “parent questions” we all know and love. (Hate)
  • The warm house you’re in. (it’s freezing outside. Like bad.)
  • The fact that you can sleep knowing that it IS all in God’s hands.

So, did I cry? No. Am I sad to be almost done? Wait, you mean I won’t have to go to campus 3 hours before my class begins to find a parking spot, I can eat Chick-fil-A at noon and not have to wade through 300 people, I can start using bathrooms with substantial toilet paper, I won’t get 30 emails a day about L&D sessions and the David O Art Museum,  I won’t have to be bombarded with people’s social justice extravaganzas at the scramble light as I simply try to walk by with my head down to avoid conversations. No, I don’t want to throw a pie at someone for $1. No, I don’t want a popsicle, hot chocolate, or popcorn. And no, I do not want to have a conversation about “Trumps recent election” at 8:00am in 20 degree weather STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. So no, overall I’m not sad.

I’m am excited to do whatever it is I’m going to do after graduation, but that’s another blog. Right now, I’m going to go back to studying as I have been all day. Only this time, when I feel stress, worry, or anxiety creep in… I am going to reflect more on the bulleted list above, and less on the bulleted list of gifted and talented curriculum models, delivery systems, and appropriate differentiation procedures.

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